my reality check...

reality check...

it does makes us grieve over the lost of the people we love...it makes our heart to stop beating for a second and we grasp for air to breathe...and even sometimes, we poke ourselves and hope that everything is just a dream..a bad dream that we all want to get over with...and as we move on with our lives...we tend to carry on with life pretending to forget that we are deeply broken...that something is missing...a missing piece of our lives yet no matter how hard we try to search for it will never be found...
i lost a brother and a friend in him...i cried and i almost forget about myself...i grieved yet i tried to move on..but not a day has passed that i didn't remember him...and i hoped to remember him for the rest of my life...that is how much we care for some one dear to us...and i asked myself....is it enough...have i done enough...or could have i done more than that...

and reality check...
i can do more...as he tried to live his life that could make him happy...that could have make his child happy...he tried his best to be a good soldier despite the physical pains...despite the torture...he indeed tried to reach his dream...and i envy my brother for being brave enough...for being strong enough...and courageous enough...

and though they knew me as a strong willed person...i am not...and though i was able to hide them my fears...it is burning inside me that waiting to escape...and each time i look at myself...i can only see an empty soul searching and longing for the right body to relive...

in my 34 years of life...i found happiness with my son...i found a way to escape sadness...I've learned to accept what is mine...and i started to see that indeed life is not just about myself...not only about my brother...or any of my family members...it is about me tomorrow not just today...it is about me yesterday who tried to be somebody but failed...it is about me today who is trying to stand still for tomorrow that belongs to my son....

and again...
my life is not mine...i have my dreams that i want to fulfill...and if i die today not accomplishing any of those dreams...then i will remain a dreamer...and my life is not worth living at all...

angelo's christening

http://purpletrail.com/e/19504

my reason...

in you i found the reason to wake up everyday
in you i found the reason to hope for a new day
in you i found the reason just to smile even during rainy days
and in you i found the reason why i have to be strong in this life

i couldn't count the reasons i found having you beside me
i just couldn't count the reasons i have not to let you the distance
and i couldn't ask for more reasons why i want to share with you my life
for you alone means the world to me...you alone is the reason that i live

my soul found a place where to stay in peace
my heart found a space where to pump calm
my hands,my eyes, my whole being is just right in place
and it is all because i have you beside me ...my son

dying inside...

when can you say its too much..and when can we say we had enough???? i told my friend..."sometimes it is better to be a battered wife...you will have all the bruises and will bleed everywhere and people will no longer ask you why you're crying...where you're hurting...and why you're leaving"....its not only the physical pain that kills a person...much more the emotional pain that kills silently...when words cannot be spoken...when screams are not loud enough to be heard...when you want to punch the wall and put a hole on it but your hands are too frail to even make a fist...when your spirit can no longer seem to recognized how to fight for what you think is right not because you are physically abused...but more so...silently hurt by those you love yet they don't even know you're dying inside...its sad that no matter how strong a person can be...life has its own game to play...and it is so sad that not all was able to stand up the fight and win...they say loving yourself more than anybody else will make you a better person..then only you can start loving others..but i say....i live not for myself... i see not for my own eyes...i speak not for my own tongue...and i breath not for my own life...cause if i do...i can no longer cry silently...i can no longer hurt quietly...i can no longer die inside of me....and maybe...i don't have my family...my friends...and those who was once a part of my life...i'd rather love them more...than love myself more...for i know...dying inside is what keeping them alive......

i was switching my mobile on and off..on and off..on and off..wondering when it will blow out...guess i am just frantic when they will finally think about me...hoping they will try to send message and i won't be able to return back the message and they will start thinking what the hell is happening!!!DAAAAAHHHHHH....so far...nobody remembered to remember me.....how frustrating isn't it??? and here i am talking again to myself...and hoping to share this awful feeling...sometimes...they used to tell if you're going to love someone...don't give hundred percent of your feelings otherwise you'll be left with nothing...well...i tried doing that many times...but even if i don't give my all..i still end up getting hurt!!! not that they don't love me in return...i just expect too much than what they can give...or i always expect them to do just like i do...

i, who is not whole

i couldn't believe my eyes
as i saw how he walk the aisle
no arms no legs just body and face
yet there's this sparkle i've never seen before
the happiness that i, the complete one, always long for
and as i continue to watch him talk
in my heart i suddenly start to choke
shame is what i feel inside of me
how serene this man's life could be
i envy him for his courage
i envy him for his faith
i, who thought,am whole was never been whole
for my heart was never been thankful enough of my joys
my mind was never mindful of what is on my table
my body was never been as strong to be the temple of God
and now though i want to be happy as i found my gifts
i do feel sad that i spent so much time searching
searching for things that i already have but never used
legs that i always care but never walked along
hands that i always touch but never touch my soul
and as my brain starts to think of my failures
my heart start to beat for another chance
and with this man who says he has everything that eyes can not see
i wished that i,too, can be like him that have happiness to give to thee

thanks to eddymuz for his post about motivations...

hello..bye...thank you

sometimes...saying bye is more important than saying hello....
i learned it today...just this minute...anyway...that's why men are made unique...no one is made equally the same than the others...everything has its own place...but certainly...other than saying bye...another important thing is to say thanks...and thanks to every one who drop by...