torn apart

eyes that shed tears...
heart that breaks...
soul that tear apart...
dreams that disappear...
life that has turned up side down...
yet to say thank you seems so easy for a child to say...
to forgive is so easy for them to offer...
to embrace those people who hurt them...
to smile back to those who give nothing but grin...
i wonder how i can be like a child
when my heart is full of sorrow and pain
when my soul cries out for questions why
when my senses disagree to stay alive
when i know nothing anymore but bitterness i have inside
and my eyes starts to shed tears....
and my heart starts to break apart as with my soul...
and i continue to wonder how...
how i can stay up right...
how can i stay standing firm and fight...
yet inside..i really don't know the reason why...
why i have to stand firm...
and what reason i have to fight...
its just too heavy to carry on my shoulder...
i am in search of happiness...for quite a while
and i always end up crying and wondering why...

tonight...i wish its just you and me...

i was hoping i could hear you talk to me...

i was wishing that i will fall in love more with you...

but as i look into your face i feel nothing...

i was wondering what happened...

and really i am struggling to search and find the answer...

as you look at me i know that there is love that i was longing to see...

i don't know what's going on...

i'm so desperate to find the truth...

am i falling out of love because of your silence...

i feel cold every time i am with you yet you never offer your hands to warmth me though...

i am still wondering...and hoping and searching..and crying...

for i don't want this love to fade away...

please lord

i want to think of you as my salvation...
and as i walk through this road of nowhere...
let me see the fading trails i need to remember...
let the pain in my heart not to vanish...
let the wounds though healed have scar...
for i want to linger how i walked to reach this far...
promise i will try not to be bitter with my life...
tears will never stop from coming...
though hurting, i must take the steps further...
happiness though seldom comes...
i treasured every moment smiles walk by my side...
and if one night i closed my eyes with gladness...
i hope to see the moonlight in my mind...
for in this journey of my life...
both my hands want to hold you tight...
lead me LORD in every way...
let the tears of pain be lifted upon your name...
though i maybe asking too much from you...
when my journey ends please take me too...
even for a second...let me be with you...
in paradise where your children rest...
though i may not be worthy of such...
please LORD..i know i am not asking that much...

cannot sleep at night..thinking what will happen later tomorrow..how life will roll again just like yesterday...and if it's so routine to live everyday...then boredom is killing people in so many ways...to write...to read...to dream...to watch things change...just like the changing of our hair from black to gray...our skin to wrinkle...ahh..it's a cycle that boring people notice everyday...i realized i am such a boring person after all...when everybody starts to creep into their beds..there are people like me who stay late at night just to write some nonsense like this one...but i bet you..this really helps a lot...

helpless

one...i want to see the sun...

two...let the clouds be blue

three...goes the birds that flee..

four...when will the rain will fall...

five...i feel so tired...

six...let the heat beat the sweat

seven...i am acting strange...

eight...when they will write their comments...

nine...i am on the line...

ten...i swear i will wait forever...

let me write

how to write your feelings...let others read what inside your heart...no fancy moves...no tricks..no gadgets...nothing...just the real thoughts in your mind...simple as that..and expect people to care?...


just smile a little...laugh a little..nod a little...but love a lot...

don't ever measure the cup...just let it pour and let it flow...

let love be like a river...let it be like a stream..let it not dried up in your hands....

let it be shared forever...let others drink from it..live with it and die in it...

for a thought in ones mind might be a cure to one soul...

a smile of one heart can be joy for all...

an eye that can see even just a sparkle of light can be torch of the world...

and even if others would not mind...there are angels in heaven that will spread the word...

fate and destiny are not the same...as the end sometimes the beginning...

i hope to find the road once more...and in my writing...i can find a place called home...

i love you

i want to buy him flowers
light him candles
and tell him good stories...but as i reach his place
i felt numb and silenced...and tears just flow from my eyes...
i tried to touch him..but i couldn't...i tried to hear him but the silence made me more deaf...
i just looked at his photo pasted on his wall..i kissed him and said sorry...
i hope he heard me...for i wasn't able to bring him nice flowers...
no fancy candles too...all i brought with me is my love for him...
the memories that i kept in my heart...i showed to him the video i made...
and i couldn't bare to shed tears that i tried to hide when he was alive...
i know somehow he is sad for me...but the longing and the guilt is still hanging in my mind...
letting go is really hard...and as i walked away from his place of rest...
i hope to see him standing smiling back as he always did...

a childs journey overnight

let us keep our fingers cross

wish for moon to light the post
the stars can glitter all night long
played by the angels that sing a song
until you my dearest asleep your soul
and in the morning the sun will rise
will try to tease you and wake you up
show your smile delightfully
the heaven is open for you to see
greet the birds that rise with you
watch the trees with open arms
welcoming the graces heaven bestowed
and as you peep through that window
never forget to give thanks to Thee
as He always drop by in the silent night
and kiss you with the warmth of morning delight

people has a lot to say to others...always have a lot of comments to give...a lot of ways to deal with life... if all these brilliant mind gather together in one room...i don't think a better world will be born...speak not what we do not know...blink an eye to things that are outrageous but don't over do it...we can speak for spectacular things or events or actions...but don't expect that we can always make things right if they are already done...what am i talking about... i am just trying to express myself...one thing i like about blogging...a graffiti where i can write anything...and it will be my responsibility not yours nor to anyone...and that is what we call freedom...but freedom also sometimes become the poison that kills itself slowly...i hope one day i can learn to say something worthwhile...for now...i just want to say that my everyday life starts and ends with nothing....just listening and watching and reading to peoples claim of what life should be....what kind of house we must built...what kind of work suits a person...and what food is the best to fill the stomach...a pitiful situation for me... i haven't done enough share for mankind...and still i want people to listen and read what my mind and heart contains...i hope as you pass by my "blog"...you can pick up something and leave something also behind...they say no man is an island...i don't want to be an island in the middle of the ocean...yet i am so afraid to share what is inside my heart...i am afraid to offend anyone including myself..i believe that a person who is a sinner should not talk clean...but who else will teach somebody not to become a sinner when the person doesn't know how a sinner is...it's getting more peculiar..my brain is really filled with nothing today...just be yourself..don't let other people tell what you should be... or how to run your life...cause right now... i am like that...i am afraid to run my own life...i am afraid of what will come tomorrow because even today is difficult for me to overcome...and whenever people show their concern to their mother land....i hope they will show concern to their own homes and own parents and families first...i cannot make my family an ideal one...how can i go and lead others to make my country or the world an ideal place to live....just simple as that...a good world will only exist with a good heart and good intentions in mind...and each one of us should search for that...the goodness inside...i haven't fully came across with such...