dying inside...

when can you say its too much..and when can we say we had enough???? i told my friend..."sometimes it is better to be a battered wife...you will have all the bruises and will bleed everywhere and people will no longer ask you why you're crying...where you're hurting...and why you're leaving"....its not only the physical pain that kills a person...much more the emotional pain that kills silently...when words cannot be spoken...when screams are not loud enough to be heard...when you want to punch the wall and put a hole on it but your hands are too frail to even make a fist...when your spirit can no longer seem to recognized how to fight for what you think is right not because you are physically abused...but more so...silently hurt by those you love yet they don't even know you're dying inside...its sad that no matter how strong a person can be...life has its own game to play...and it is so sad that not all was able to stand up the fight and win...they say loving yourself more than anybody else will make you a better person..then only you can start loving others..but i say....i live not for myself... i see not for my own eyes...i speak not for my own tongue...and i breath not for my own life...cause if i do...i can no longer cry silently...i can no longer hurt quietly...i can no longer die inside of me....and maybe...i don't have my family...my friends...and those who was once a part of my life...i'd rather love them more...than love myself more...for i know...dying inside is what keeping them alive......

i was switching my mobile on and off..on and off..on and off..wondering when it will blow out...guess i am just frantic when they will finally think about me...hoping they will try to send message and i won't be able to return back the message and they will start thinking what the hell is happening!!!DAAAAAHHHHHH....so far...nobody remembered to remember me.....how frustrating isn't it??? and here i am talking again to myself...and hoping to share this awful feeling...sometimes...they used to tell if you're going to love someone...don't give hundred percent of your feelings otherwise you'll be left with nothing...well...i tried doing that many times...but even if i don't give my all..i still end up getting hurt!!! not that they don't love me in return...i just expect too much than what they can give...or i always expect them to do just like i do...

i, who is not whole

i couldn't believe my eyes
as i saw how he walk the aisle
no arms no legs just body and face
yet there's this sparkle i've never seen before
the happiness that i, the complete one, always long for
and as i continue to watch him talk
in my heart i suddenly start to choke
shame is what i feel inside of me
how serene this man's life could be
i envy him for his courage
i envy him for his faith
i, who thought,am whole was never been whole
for my heart was never been thankful enough of my joys
my mind was never mindful of what is on my table
my body was never been as strong to be the temple of God
and now though i want to be happy as i found my gifts
i do feel sad that i spent so much time searching
searching for things that i already have but never used
legs that i always care but never walked along
hands that i always touch but never touch my soul
and as my brain starts to think of my failures
my heart start to beat for another chance
and with this man who says he has everything that eyes can not see
i wished that i,too, can be like him that have happiness to give to thee

thanks to eddymuz for his post about motivations...

hello..bye...thank you

sometimes...saying bye is more important than saying hello....
i learned it today...just this minute...anyway...that's why men are made unique...no one is made equally the same than the others...everything has its own place...but certainly...other than saying bye...another important thing is to say thanks...and thanks to every one who drop by...

to cry silently

how a person can be so tough hiding everything to herself...holding every bit of hate and anger inside her heart...trying to believe that their is still hope...that all people can change and that only time can tell when...and finally one day...that person sits in one corner and cry yet still crying silently....afraid to hurt those people whose been hurting her all her life...asking God why...asking God how to live her life...trying so hard...really hard to believe that her life is much better than the others...yet inside she knows that her heart was torn apart into so many pieces for so many years now and today...nothing has left of that heart...and even to herself...eaten by long struggle...eaten by that belief that things will change...that there is still hope for that change to come...but never came...it never came to me...and i'am hurting so deep yet i cannot tell why...if it's wrong to cry silently...i really don't know what is right...i really don't know how to live again...cause i feel i already rot inside...