dreamer

my reality check...

2009-06-28T10:48:00.000-07:00

reality check...

it does makes us grieve over the lost of the people we love...it makes our heart to stop beating for a second and we grasp for air to breathe...and even sometimes, we poke ourselves and hope that everything is just a dream..a bad dream that we all want to get over with...and as we move on with our lives...we tend to carry on with life pretending to forget that we are deeply broken...that something is missing...a missing piece of our lives yet no matter how hard we try to search for it will never be found...
i lost a brother and a friend in him...i cried and i almost forget about myself...i grieved yet i tried to move on..but not a day has passed that i didn't remember him...and i hoped to remember him for the rest of my life...that is how much we care for some one dear to us...and i asked myself....is it enough...have i done enough...or could have i done more than that...

and reality check...
i can do more...as he tried to live his life that could make him happy...that could have make his child happy...he tried his best to be a good soldier despite the physical pains...despite the torture...he indeed tried to reach his dream...and i envy my brother for being brave enough...for being strong enough...and courageous enough...

and though they knew me as a strong willed person...i am not...and though i was able to hide them my fears...it is burning inside me that waiting to escape...and each time i look at myself...i can only see an empty soul searching and longing for the right body to relive...

in my 34 years of life...i found happiness with my son...i found a way to escape sadness...I've learned to accept what is mine...and i started to see that indeed life is not just about myself...not only about my brother...or any of my family members...it is about me tomorrow not just today...it is about me yesterday who tried to be somebody but failed...it is about me today who is trying to stand still for tomorrow that belongs to my son....

and again...
my life is not mine...i have my dreams that i want to fulfill...and if i die today not accomplishing any of those dreams...then i will remain a dreamer...and my life is not worth living at all...

angelo's christening

2009-06-17T02:40:00.000-07:00

http://purpletrail.com/e/19504

my reason...

2009-05-08T05:21:00.000-07:00

in you i found the reason to wake up everyday
in you i found the reason to hope for a new day
in you i found the reason just to smile even during rainy days
and in you i found the reason why i have to be strong in this life

i couldn't count the reasons i found having you beside me
i just couldn't count the reasons i have not to let you the distance
and i couldn't ask for more reasons why i want to share with you my life
for you alone means the world to me...you alone is the reason that i live

my soul found a place where to stay in peace
my heart found a space where to pump calm
my hands,my eyes, my whole being is just right in place
and it is all because i have you beside me ...my son

dying inside...

2009-04-25T02:02:00.000-07:00

when can you say its too much..and when can we say we had enough???? i told my friend..."sometimes it is better to be a battered wife...you will have all the bruises and will bleed everywhere and people will no longer ask you why you're crying...where you're hurting...and why you're leaving"....its not only the physical pain that kills a person...much more the emotional pain that kills silently...when words cannot be spoken...when screams are not loud enough to be heard...when you want to punch the wall and put a hole on it but your hands are too frail to even make a fist...when your spirit can no longer seem to recognized how to fight for what you think is right not because you are physically abused...but more so...silently hurt by those you love yet they don't even know you're dying inside...its sad that no matter how strong a person can be...life has its own game to play...and it is so sad that not all was able to stand up the fight and win...they say loving yourself more than anybody else will make you a better person..then only you can start loving others..but i say....i live not for myself... i see not for my own eyes...i speak not for my own tongue...and i breath not for my own life...cause if i do...i can no longer cry silently...i can no longer hurt quietly...i can no longer die inside of me....and maybe...i don't have my family...my friends...and those who was once a part of my life...i'd rather love them more...than love myself more...for i know...dying inside is what keeping them alive......

2009-04-25T01:50:00.000-07:00

i was switching my mobile on and off..on and off..on and off..wondering when it will blow out...guess i am just frantic when they will finally think about me...hoping they will try to send message and i won't be able to return back the message and they will start thinking what the hell is happening!!!DAAAAAHHHHHH....so far...nobody remembered to remember me.....how frustrating isn't it??? and here i am talking again to myself...and hoping to share this awful feeling...sometimes...they used to tell if you're going to love someone...don't give hundred percent of your feelings otherwise you'll be left with nothing...well...i tried doing that many times...but even if i don't give my all..i still end up getting hurt!!! not that they don't love me in return...i just expect too much than what they can give...or i always expect them to do just like i do...

i, who is not whole

2009-04-13T04:34:00.000-07:00

i couldn't believe my eyes
as i saw how he walk the aisle
no arms no legs just body and face
yet there's this sparkle i've never seen before
the happiness that i, the complete one, always long for
and as i continue to watch him talk
in my heart i suddenly start to choke
shame is what i feel inside of me
how serene this man's life could be
i envy him for his courage
i envy him for his faith
i, who thought,am whole was never been whole
for my heart was never been thankful enough of my joys
my mind was never mindful of what is on my table
my body was never been as strong to be the temple of God
and now though i want to be happy as i found my gifts
i do feel sad that i spent so much time searching
searching for things that i already have but never used
legs that i always care but never walked along
hands that i always touch but never touch my soul
and as my brain starts to think of my failures
my heart start to beat for another chance
and with this man who says he has everything that eyes can not see
i wished that i,too, can be like him that have happiness to give to thee

thanks to eddymuz for his post about motivations...

hello..bye...thank you

2009-04-12T10:33:00.000-07:00

sometimes...saying bye is more important than saying hello....
i learned it today...just this minute...anyway...that's why men are made unique...no one is made equally the same than the others...everything has its own place...but certainly...other than saying bye...another important thing is to say thanks...and thanks to every one who drop by...

to cry silently

2009-04-10T09:40:00.000-07:00

how a person can be so tough hiding everything to herself...holding every bit of hate and anger inside her heart...trying to believe that their is still hope...that all people can change and that only time can tell when...and finally one day...that person sits in one corner and cry yet still crying silently....afraid to hurt those people whose been hurting her all her life...asking God why...asking God how to live her life...trying so hard...really hard to believe that her life is much better than the others...yet inside she knows that her heart was torn apart into so many pieces for so many years now and today...nothing has left of that heart...and even to herself...eaten by long struggle...eaten by that belief that things will change...that there is still hope for that change to come...but never came...it never came to me...and i'am hurting so deep yet i cannot tell why...if it's wrong to cry silently...i really don't know what is right...i really don't know how to live again...cause i feel i already rot inside...

empty

2009-03-25T06:08:00.000-07:00

in a place where things are bound by destiny
i couldn't find a way to walk the path for me
my mind is so confuse and so does my heart
its either i want to breath for life
or want to hold the air and die

weakened by my fears i just couldn't move on
and as i stare back from where i was before
its just an empty space that i left behind
yet i couldn't go back to change my sad past

though i promise to start my life a new
i struggle to hold on and still struggling not to feel alone
and as i sit in one corner and search for my lost soul
i am lost for words to describe the emptiness of my own world

as i dream to smile... all i do is weep
as i wish to be strong... all i can be is to be weak
as i hope for the rainbows... the sun couldn't even shine
as i close my eyes for peace... all i have in mind are battles
and as i try to listen to my faith... i fail to have courage and belief

my nephews

2009-03-22T08:35:00.000-07:00

they are my cute little nephews...hope to see them tagging along with angelo in the near future...praying that they will find their way to success...love them so much...

2009-03-22T08:30:00.000-07:00

they are such lovely young ladies of our clan...i just feel like rejuvenated after staring at those innocent faces...hope they grow up fast but enjoy their childhood as well...

my nieces...

2009-03-22T08:13:00.000-07:00

it's good to be a baby ...

2009-03-21T21:50:00.000-07:00

well...i never really had a good night sleep...actually...i don't sleep at night...hahaha..i am like a bat that usually sleeps in the morning...i woke up hearing the loud scream of my son....WHAT'S happening!!!! well, just hungry bunny..hehe..babies...they will just cry when they feel like... doesn't care whose taking a nap or having a deep sleep in the middle of the night...sometimes...i envy my baby...he will express himself in any way he can as long as he get attention from me...i hope i can do that...express my real feelings inside...not be afraid of the consequence...no rules to follow...no rules to break...what a nice life...they just have to have a good parents that should really support their tantrums...like i do...not so good mom but i do give in to his tantrums...once in a while i do get angry...shout at him also...tsk! tsk! very bad of me...but i will always end up saying "sorry" and " i love you baby"...i wonder when i will hear somebody tells me just same...

simple wants...

2009-03-21T04:17:00.000-07:00

i woke up 6 am this morning...want to start a new day...and i saw my face for the first time...smiling...AGAIN...after not so long time ago... my baby make pupu...gosh...but it feels heaven whenever my baby embraces me...yeah..i have a two months old baby boy and i named him angelo....hopefully...follow the name as he grows up..."pushing my luck"...i am 34 years old...yap...very old......but inside i feel like i'm just 10...hehe...but of course i am matured enough about life...so this morning...to change the routine...i went to bath at 8 am get ready to attend the christening of my beautiful niece...cairine...really...while facing the mirror...i feel some one else is there looking back at me...face is so lightened up..cheeks are blushing...not minding the suture on my tummy...started wearing jeans...hahaha...trying to be cool once again...and my baby who is already asleep that time suddenly open his eyes while i was about to leave...maybe waiting for a goodbye kiss...my brother is waiting downstairs...and while riding the bus on our way...brother is telling me..."i didn't recognize you...if i saw you somewhere else...maybe it will took me sometime to tell you're my sistah"...wow..mesmerized...hehehe...and to cut it short...today is a good day to start my life a new...it doesn't have to be big bang..simple wants will do...simple smile..put on your old jeans...top it up with a borrowed shirt......and an old brown shoes...my life started a new today...and i did not cry for the first time after such a looooonnnnnggggg time...remember...it doesn't take big bang...just simple WANTS.....

lets start a new life...

2009-03-21T03:49:00.000-07:00

I sprained my hand...whenever i move it or twist it...i just can't help but scream oooooouuuucccchhhh!!! That is how a real human being reacts to pain...physically and even more...emotionally...and i want to change myself...i want to learn the art of endurance...wow! Endure everything..specially pain caused by those i loved the most...and i think i am getting near the recovery room at this point...hehe...it took me a month to resist the change...and it took me a week to wake up and feel the real thing...after being loved and cuddled like a new born baby...now...i am treated like a real adult...that is how i was taught...that is how i am taking it...and now i want to start a new life...either alone or with some one else...it doesn't matter as long as i am ready to leap my feet on my first step and everything will follow...is it sure??? everything will follow?? well...they used to tell that everything starts with one small step to reach the summit...i hope i am having the right attitude...go girl!!!
so with this realization i want to start my diary...come lets start a new life with me...

2009-03-16T11:25:00.000-07:00

today i am finding it difficult to buy a sleep...my Angelo is having fever since last night...the more he couldn't sleep at night...and it really breaks a mother's heart to see his having pain yet he cannot tell you what causing it...but in between his tears he also smiles...that makes me little bit ok...i used to cry over some pains i've been through my life but every time my little angel feel low or sick...it makes me feel like dying inside...i'm so helpless and all i can do is to hug him and kiss him and whisper in his ears that mommy loves him so much...and now i know...it is so great to be a mother...it hurts the more when your child is in pain...i always hope i could make him feel better with my hugs and my kisses...that's all the medicine i can give him without bad side effects...i love you son...

life is juat a matter of time

2009-03-10T11:00:00.000-07:00

life is just a matter of time...it is not how long we stood still across the road...but how we crossed the road...and as we always tell others that life is a gift from heaven...and gift means happiness and joy...yet it's not always the situation...life is not always about laughing...or smiling...or giggling...it's also about tears...sadness...pains...life is like a water spilled in the ocean...you will never know when it will get dry...or when it will burs to fill even the land...some may grieve full of sadness...some may accept their lost...but in reality....life is a contradiction...of both you and me...as we close our eyes to sleep...our mind travel somewhere else where we can't reach...and as we open back to greet the early sunshine...we simply ignore the life beyond the life we had last night...it is just a matter of time...and a matter of faith...and the will to do something worthwhile...and as always...it is easy to say how to live a good life...and as for me...i wish i know how to smile without hurting inside...i always hope to laugh without the need to hide the tears in my heart...and i've always been praying...that as i felt happiness...i hope not to hurt others but they will still get hurt...for life is made not to walk a smooth path to heaven...but road of hurdles and pebbles...some may walk through the mountains..some may climb the hills...others may cross the rivers...while i may just be sitting here wondering how to solve the riddles...and as each comes everyday...as each mornings greet us with its breeze...and as we rest the night over...thinking how start this life and how it will end is just a matter of time...

2009-02-01T02:00:00.000-08:00

if not for your smile the pain won't go away
if not for your tears my gladness won't be felt
if not for your small little hands i'll never get to pray
if not with your screams maybe i could barely hear that god really cares...

i can see how your eyes spark though you can't still see through it
i can feel how your heart jumps as you hear my voice as if you know who i am
i feel amaze when you frown whenever i tried to ignore you my angel
it's just an amazing feeling that my son is a part of my soul and my heart

and as i lay you close to my chest
you hold me as though you've missed a day without being caressed
just to touch you with my bear hands you felt all the love
and suddenly i can feel that your no longer afraid who ever come by cause you have me to protect you with my own life...

my angelo

2009-02-01T01:08:00.000-08:00

i've waited long to hold you in my arms
to tell you words i kept secretly in my heart
to whisper in your ears what are my dreams for you...
and as you breath i want to feel you close to me
close to my heart so you could feel my hearts plea
i have loved you long enough before you came to my life
i have cherished you long enough even before i had you in my hands
and i cried just to have you so that i can live long enough for you...

ANGELO

2009-01-26T04:37:00.000-08:00

MEET MY BABY...MY LITTLE ANGELO
I WAS TRYING TO WRITE SOMETHING FOR MY SON BUT WORDS JUST DON'T COME EASILY TONIGHT...IT'S LIKE MY HEART AND MY SOUL IS TAKEN AWAY BY HIS SMILE,HIS GIGGLES AND HIS SMALL TANTRUMS...I COULDN'T SPEAK MYSELF OUT...JUST I'M OVERWHELMED BY THE GIFT I JUST OPENED...THE LITTLE CHILD I ALWAYS DREAM OF HAVING...THE ANGEL THAT I ALWAYS WISHED TO HOLD ON TO...AND AMAZINGLY...HE IS RIGHT NEXT TO ME...
I ONCE LOSE HOPE...I ONCE LOSE FAITH...I ONCE DID GIVE UP...
YET...NOW...MY LIFE TURNS ON HIM...MY FAITH IS WITH HIM...AND MY TOMORROW WILL ALWAYS BE FOR HIM...MY LITTLE ANGELO

my reason to smile

2008-09-30T06:54:00.000-07:00

how life can make us cry in the middle of the night
when no one else is there to even soothe us or calm us
i lost all the faith i have in my heart and struggling to get it back
i tried and i kept trying to search for even a glimpse of spark of light
to make me believe that there is still hope
that after each and every night that would pass by me
another tomorrow will shine through that window and will make me happy
i tried to count the days that i was standing still and doing nothing
and even that i failed to remember
i listened long enough to my sigh and i felt deeply hurt inside
yet the tears that wanting to shed and dwell into my eyes
just remain wounding my soul and my heart
i want to walk along the sand with my bare foot
to feel the earth and what beneath that shaking my world
i want to swim the ocean and meet its end
but all i can do is just to stay still and be afraid
and each time i greet my loved ones with a smile
a part of me is crushing and dying slowly and painfully inside
to bear the torn that deeply rooted into my heart
a baby inside of me makes me wanting to survive
another life that has yet to come
another soul that has yet to dream
another hands that has yet to pray
and another smile that will heal the wounds away
and even if no one is around tonight and the night that comes
my little baby in my womb holding me tight
and as i cry to my deepest sadness
my angel just moved a little telling mom we will be alright
and as i let the tears to flow gushing in my eyes
i hope tomorrow as i wake up... i will still smile even if i am hurting inside

one final goodbye

2008-09-16T08:34:00.000-07:00

you came to my life when i needed you most
i started to smile in the midst of my sadness
and because of you i started to wait for better tomorrow
i hate to say good bye yet i can't hold onto you forever
though i told i wont cry i just can't help it as if i will die
sorry if i hurt you in so many ways
i am guilty to have broken your once very strong heart
but i know you are much stronger than i do
and i know you can stand your way through
and if one day you had thoughts about me
i hope it will not make you bitter but will make you miss me
it hurts to write this letter
it tear every part of my soul
but whatever there is between us
i was so thankful to have had you
so grateful to have known you
and learned that love doesn't need reasons to be true
thank you for the love though i am not worthy of
one final goodbye will give you your first step to life
move on as you always wanted to do so
and in every inch of the way i know you'll make it through
i will hod on to that small hope in my hand
and walk along with you though in different path
i love you now and will always do

my new found strength

2008-09-13T06:13:00.000-07:00

i never knew how it felt like to be a little girl of someone
i thought i never been a child before
i never call some one as my dad
and from heaven god gave me you...my only dad
thank you for keeping my eyes warm
during the days i cried and you tried hard to let it dry
though i've known you just for days
it doesn't matter to me as long as you've came by to my life
i love you daddy and will always will
and thank you for allowing me to be your special girl
yesterday i was so surprised to have let you touch my heart
today i was so amazed what changes you've brought into my life
and hoping tomorrow i could make you proud of me like your real child
for my real parents seems to be nowhere to be proud of me
and as i cry every time i think of them
i wish to hold your hand to find the strength i need
to dry my eyes and make me sleep
and to hear you say to me everything will be just fine one day...
thank you daddy boyet for the love that you gave to me
i have nothing to give back but only my trust and my broken heart...
my smile that used to hide the pains i had...
i will always keep the pains away as long as i have my only dad like you to stay...

sadness

2008-08-21T09:14:00.000-07:00

as i sit and start to think of life
i mumble words deep down inside my heart
and though nobody could hear it now
my heart longs for someone who would make me fine
i hope to get closer to that shining star
that seems to glow but sadness sparks in its eye
everyone has its shares of sadness that we try to hide
yet no one can ever cheat a heart that stayed lonely for quite sometime
a can giggle and laugh around
can sing a song and even dance all night
but as i see my shadow on the ground
i cannot hide it any longer
the coldest shadow that breaks my heart

2008-08-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

i tried to convince the wind to blow away my fears...
i tried to tell the sun to shine through my darkened mind...
i tried to whisper the silent moon to make my heart serene...
and as i tried so hard to cheat the world of what i really feel...
the tears starts to fall my cheeks as my heart breaks...
it is not the rushing of the waters on the shore that make it bleed...
not even the quiet leaves of dying trees around the fields...
i myself cannot find the source of all these pains...
but i hope one day the wound will heal and scars will not stay even just a trace...
if a paint can cover up the imperfections of the wall...
or the curtains can cover up the ugly windowpane...
i wish to erase the memories of bitter past and move on with my life...
yet its not just like an error i can delete...
it is something beyond that even just a spark of light can make my heart to bleed...

torn apart

2008-04-20T09:39:00.000-07:00

eyes that shed tears...
heart that breaks...
soul that tear apart...
dreams that disappear...
life that has turned up side down...
yet to say thank you seems so easy for a child to say...
to forgive is so easy for them to offer...
to embrace those people who hurt them...
to smile back to those who give nothing but grin...
i wonder how i can be like a child
when my heart is full of sorrow and pain
when my soul cries out for questions why
when my senses disagree to stay alive
when i know nothing anymore but bitterness i have inside
and my eyes starts to shed tears....
and my heart starts to break apart as with my soul...
and i continue to wonder how...
how i can stay up right...
how can i stay standing firm and fight...
yet inside..i really don't know the reason why...
why i have to stand firm...
and what reason i have to fight...
its just too heavy to carry on my shoulder...
i am in search of happiness...for quite a while
and i always end up crying and wondering why...

2008-04-13T07:06:00.000-07:00

tonight...i wish its just you and me...

i was hoping i could hear you talk to me...

i was wishing that i will fall in love more with you...

but as i look into your face i feel nothing...

i was wondering what happened...

and really i am struggling to search and find the answer...

as you look at me i know that there is love that i was longing to see...

i don't know what's going on...

i'm so desperate to find the truth...

am i falling out of love because of your silence...

i feel cold every time i am with you yet you never offer your hands to warmth me though...

i am still wondering...and hoping and searching..and crying...

for i don't want this love to fade away...

please lord

2008-04-07T00:56:00.000-07:00

i want to think of you as my salvation...
and as i walk through this road of nowhere...
let me see the fading trails i need to remember...
let the pain in my heart not to vanish...
let the wounds though healed have scar...
for i want to linger how i walked to reach this far...
promise i will try not to be bitter with my life...
tears will never stop from coming...
though hurting, i must take the steps further...
happiness though seldom comes...
i treasured every moment smiles walk by my side...
and if one night i closed my eyes with gladness...
i hope to see the moonlight in my mind...
for in this journey of my life...
both my hands want to hold you tight...
lead me LORD in every way...
let the tears of pain be lifted upon your name...
though i maybe asking too much from you...
when my journey ends please take me too...
even for a second...let me be with you...
in paradise where your children rest...
though i may not be worthy of such...
please LORD..i know i am not asking that much...

2008-04-06T09:18:00.000-07:00

cannot sleep at night..thinking what will happen later tomorrow..how life will roll again just like yesterday...and if it's so routine to live everyday...then boredom is killing people in so many ways...to write...to read...to dream...to watch things change...just like the changing of our hair from black to gray...our skin to wrinkle...ahh..it's a cycle that boring people notice everyday...i realized i am such a boring person after all...when everybody starts to creep into their beds..there are people like me who stay late at night just to write some nonsense like this one...but i bet you..this really helps a lot...

helpless

2008-04-06T09:02:00.000-07:00

one...i want to see the sun...

two...let the clouds be blue

three...goes the birds that flee..

four...when will the rain will fall...

five...i feel so tired...

six...let the heat beat the sweat

seven...i am acting strange...

eight...when they will write their comments...

nine...i am on the line...

ten...i swear i will wait forever...

let me write

2008-04-05T09:09:00.000-07:00

how to write your feelings...let others read what inside your heart...no fancy moves...no tricks..no gadgets...nothing...just the real thoughts in your mind...simple as that..and expect people to care?...

just smile a little...laugh a little..nod a little...but love a lot...

don't ever measure the cup...just let it pour and let it flow...

let love be like a river...let it be like a stream..let it not dried up in your hands....

let it be shared forever...let others drink from it..live with it and die in it...

for a thought in ones mind might be a cure to one soul...

a smile of one heart can be joy for all...

an eye that can see even just a sparkle of light can be torch of the world...

and even if others would not mind...there are angels in heaven that will spread the word...

fate and destiny are not the same...as the end sometimes the beginning...

i hope to find the road once more...and in my writing...i can find a place called home...

i love you

2008-04-05T08:38:00.000-07:00

i want to buy him flowers
light him candles
and tell him good stories...but as i reach his place
i felt numb and silenced...and tears just flow from my eyes...
i tried to touch him..but i couldn't...i tried to hear him but the silence made me more deaf...
i just looked at his photo pasted on his wall..i kissed him and said sorry...
i hope he heard me...for i wasn't able to bring him nice flowers...
no fancy candles too...all i brought with me is my love for him...
the memories that i kept in my heart...i showed to him the video i made...
and i couldn't bare to shed tears that i tried to hide when he was alive...
i know somehow he is sad for me...but the longing and the guilt is still hanging in my mind...
letting go is really hard...and as i walked away from his place of rest...
i hope to see him standing smiling back as he always did...

a childs journey overnight

2008-04-04T11:04:00.000-07:00

let us keep our fingers cross

wish for moon to light the post
the stars can glitter all night long
played by the angels that sing a song
until you my dearest asleep your soul
and in the morning the sun will rise
will try to tease you and wake you up
show your smile delightfully
the heaven is open for you to see
greet the birds that rise with you
watch the trees with open arms
welcoming the graces heaven bestowed
and as you peep through that window
never forget to give thanks to Thee
as He always drop by in the silent night
and kiss you with the warmth of morning delight

2008-04-03T10:08:00.000-07:00

people has a lot to say to others...always have a lot of comments to give...a lot of ways to deal with life... if all these brilliant mind gather together in one room...i don't think a better world will be born...speak not what we do not know...blink an eye to things that are outrageous but don't over do it...we can speak for spectacular things or events or actions...but don't expect that we can always make things right if they are already done...what am i talking about... i am just trying to express myself...one thing i like about blogging...a graffiti where i can write anything...and it will be my responsibility not yours nor to anyone...and that is what we call freedom...but freedom also sometimes become the poison that kills itself slowly...i hope one day i can learn to say something worthwhile...for now...i just want to say that my everyday life starts and ends with nothing....just listening and watching and reading to peoples claim of what life should be....what kind of house we must built...what kind of work suits a person...and what food is the best to fill the stomach...a pitiful situation for me... i haven't done enough share for mankind...and still i want people to listen and read what my mind and heart contains...i hope as you pass by my "blog"...you can pick up something and leave something also behind...they say no man is an island...i don't want to be an island in the middle of the ocean...yet i am so afraid to share what is inside my heart...i am afraid to offend anyone including myself..i believe that a person who is a sinner should not talk clean...but who else will teach somebody not to become a sinner when the person doesn't know how a sinner is...it's getting more peculiar..my brain is really filled with nothing today...just be yourself..don't let other people tell what you should be... or how to run your life...cause right now... i am like that...i am afraid to run my own life...i am afraid of what will come tomorrow because even today is difficult for me to overcome...and whenever people show their concern to their mother land....i hope they will show concern to their own homes and own parents and families first...i cannot make my family an ideal one...how can i go and lead others to make my country or the world an ideal place to live....just simple as that...a good world will only exist with a good heart and good intentions in mind...and each one of us should search for that...the goodness inside...i haven't fully came across with such...

a simple thought

2008-03-31T11:30:00.000-07:00

take me to a road where i can walk freely
i want to wander around and search for a mystery
words of wisdom people tried to utter
why they have to talk in a manner nobody can bear
to find for its meaning nobody cares
as though every word should hide its meant
i dare you to take me to a place of truth and dare
language is a bridge to enter the door
yet if made complicated nobody would walk in that slope
to take a few steps in the ladder of life
is a great achievement for someone who never despise
don't make it hard just keep it simple
for our journey might go beyond our imagination
and if cross roads often come by never feel confuse
just follow your heart and follow the truth

torture of love

2008-03-31T10:29:00.000-07:00

feel me through your soul

hold me and don't ever let go

take me wherever you're destined to be

for i am no longer mine when i fell in love with thee

i thought i could stand on my own

but i realized everything i thought was wrong

you are the pillar of my life

without you life is nothing but barren desert i cannot withstand

your presence in my veins keep me alive for quite a while

yet the anguish of loosing you still battling inside my heart

i cannot live without you...just a thought is a pain i can't ignore

when a certain smile we've shared will just fly away and be gone

it is more than living in a war zone when all my bones want to explode

hold me and feel me...take my spirit don't set it free

but if there's no other way then let it be

as long as you save the best of you and me...

rain

2008-03-30T08:05:00.001-07:00

i want to see how the rain drops falling
i want to hear the song they are playing
and though not so many want the rain to stay
my heart wants to dance and go insane
raindrops makes my pulse jumping
the reason is i think the heaven is crying
i am not happy but i am glad
whether it is the same i don't care that much
as long as the tears of heaven fall unto me
make me shiver and make me feel free
for i am not the only one whose tears are falling
maybe sometimes the heaven also wants to sing
and can't help itself but to cry in pain
though sometimes they say rain is a blessing
all i want to say is i like it when rain is pouring
as rain washes my tears and pain away...

2008-03-29T22:31:00.000-07:00

i want to cruise and travel the world
i want to see what others have seen
i want to feel the ray of sun in the other side of the earth
i want to breath in the air that others have breathe
i want to fly like an eagle in the sky
or let me be like a leaf that floats before touching the ground
i want to scream and hear the echo of my voice
i want to see my face in the clear running brooks
i want to see the stars and twinkle with them
or be the moon that lights up in heaven
i want to sail along with the fishermen and free all the fishes in ocean
i want to be a hunter and shot nothing in the wild
i want to be you for whoever you are
for each and everyone is different in minds and spirit
i want to be a sinner that search for the light
i want to be a saint that hopefully can save my life
i want to be a father that i never had in my life
or a mother that will give warm to a child
finally i want to die happy as my life is quite sad
but i never want to complain for everything that i had
for life is such a beautiful gift i ever had
in a plain and simple wrap it made me who i am
yet though i longed to be someone else i never want to exchange
a single second of my life...for i am me...and will always be

for others

2008-03-29T19:49:00.000-07:00

it is not what others would say that stop us from searching...

it is not what others would do that keep us from fighting...

it is not what others would feel that keep us from hurting...

but the reason for all of this is not ourselves but others...

it is for others that we strive to write good words...

it is for others that we tried hard to live good life...

it is for others that we stay strong to keep the fight...

it is for others that we hope to succeed...

and though it is quite confusing as i am confuse myself...

i believe that life is not beyond our understanding...

not even beyond impossible...

it is for them we tried to share good thoughts...

it is for those we love that we learned to love...

and sometimes they also cause our pain...

we never would want to stop loving these people...

for in our hearts and soul we live and die for them...

and as we struggle to search for true happiness...

and as we try hard to run away from sorrows...

as we hide our heartaches and our tears...

as we cover up all the failures that would make them cry...

it is because not of shame but of love...

not for ourselves but for others...

for others who also hide their pains not to hurt us with theirs...

who also show their smile not their tears...

who welcomes us with giggles but not their worries...

and if they do open up their heart that is wounded...

we never walk away but we embrace them...

for we live not only for ourselves...but for others...

tears

2008-03-29T19:04:00.000-07:00

i often wish not to cry anymore...

i often hope not to feel sadness inside...

i tried to pray hard wishing heaven could hear my sigh...

at the end of the day i embrace myself not wanting tears to fall from my eyes...

i wonder what real happiness means...

even if i laugh out loud i hear sobs in between...

when its dark i feel so alone...

afraid of the silence making me deaf within my soul...

can't stop tears from falling and it hurts to feel each pain...

though it should have healed long time ago...

the scars keep reminding me of all the sorrows...

and though i know others been through harder life than mine...

tears keep falling into my eyes...

2008-03-26T09:47:00.000-07:00

i loved not only once...
i cried after doing so...
but the best part is...
i felt happy and joy in between...

it's not just the smile but the tears...
it's not just the fever but the cold...
it's not love if not felt together...
for love is something that makes us wonder why...

love is a puzzle that makes us think...
it is a feeling that is not easy to comprehend...
for if you and i can say what really love is...
then the thrill and the reason will vanish...

hold on not too tight...
for love is selfish and possessive twice...
though sometimes we deny...
love is always in disguise...

i regret never in my life that i loved so many times...
though tears fall more than once...
its the price i have to pay for being loved...
and being loved is such a great feeling never can i describe...

2008-03-26T09:35:00.000-07:00

as i look at my post last sunday... it's hard to believe that i had such a wonderful people around me that made me smile through the years...good reasons enough to still hope for a better tomorrow despite loosing someone close to my heart...sometimes it takes a lifetime to accept how life change us...sometimes...it can only take a second to bring us back to reality...i can only that the loneliness will be enough reason for me to strive to be happy once again...and to those who ever felt left behind...its not actually true...it's just a part of what our life supposed to be...to be broken like a seed to grow and as we grow we made other people happy and as time pass by and learned so many things, we also have to let others take our part and leave them behind...its just a matter of when and how we will going to leave this place...i hope that i can make a difference if not to the world atleast to my family who knows me more than anybody else...

2008-03-24T09:17:00.000-07:00

it is the past that makes us smile at present and will make us cry in the future...
remembering what happened yesterday while i try to fit in today is what will lead me to my tomorrow...thus my old friends and my families will always be a part of my life...a part of whether old or new me...when you say the best days means the good and the bad...the happiness and sadness...the sane and insane...it proves to be right when laughter sounds louder when we share it to people we love...we care...we hope to cherish for the rest of our lives...

my family...my own...my only strength...

our life

2008-03-23T23:45:00.000-07:00

our life is like building a frame...a house...or even a tower...it all depends on what our heart and mind really wants to achieve...although sometimes, no matter how burning flames of desire we have in our hearts if the plan is not really meant to happen...then it will never be...some say make a table or list or journals...it may work for them but not to others...some says they start from scratch then they become billionaires...good for them...i saw the movie "pursuit of happyness" and it moved me...a lot of people all over the world is pursuing of such happiness...even not money...a simple happiness in life...satisfaction...a feeling of contentment and comfort...success should not be measured on how much money we earned or how much prestige we receive...it is sad to know that life depends on which shoulder we brag...on whose hands we shake...on which network we belong...on what society we nod our heads...it is not a crime to become wealthy and more so not a crime to become peasant...what is a crime is not to learn how to bent on any circumstances that we face as we go along this journey we call life...i am one of those whose always trying to search for what is missing...what i haven't done yet to fulfill something...but i never feel bad about my life...i never really want to desire something that is beyond my imagination...i don't have what it takes to be another bill gates or oprah winfrey...i just want to be me...i believe in the idea that each of us is unique and we are capable of giving something to others in our own special way...to be able to do that matters to us...not to anyone...not to any books or guidelines other people can give...we see children work to feed their hungry stomach...they refuse to cry to their parents because in their young minds they don't want their parents to worry about them...the pain in their hearts makes these children either good or bad someday...but as we watch them...as i watch them....i can only say in my heart...how on earth can i give something...how can i share a part of what i have...these are the questions that i should have known the answer...sadly, i am one of those who want to be free from guilt of not being able to do anything for those who needed help...because i am so busy trying to build up my frame...my house...or my tower...that until now i haven't started to put anything in place...my hands are bare of golds or nickel...but my hands are enough to touch someone sick...i don't have cars to travel the world...but i have my legs to walk and be with the children of the street...sadly, i still don't know how to use them...i have only one hope and dream...i cannot urge people to live according to the book i read or according to the movie i see...but if i have chance even once in my life...i want people to learn that life is not something we can decorate to be beautiful...it is not something we can force others to do to become right...it is not what we hear or see that will lead us to fulfill something...it is inside our hearts...it is not what God wants for us but what we want for ourselves...and no one can tell us whether we are doing the right thing or not...at the end of the day...we only have ourselves to talk with...and it is our selves that we confide what we should have and should not have done...i stop thinking about how life of others turn around because until now...i don't how to turn my life around...i can tell you a thousand reasons and ways to achieve something but the truth is mine is hallow and empty...and it would be very unfair to lead a life of other people when i can't lead mine...

rhythm of love

2008-03-23T09:29:00.001-07:00

i just cant stop saying i love you...and why not if you really feel like saying so...
let love goes out to be felt...don't keep it inside your heart..let someone out there feel it...
when your heart starts to write some music...let it play and be heard...
let somebody stamp their finger and feel the magic...
no need to choose where it will fall...who will have it...who stumble and crawl...
it may make someone smile or even someone cry...
we may never know unless we give it so...
no one can tell when love is right or wrong...for love is like a wind that embraces all...
when you want the melody to go on and on...
let us be fools and share the song...
if you are in love...let it be and don't be scared...
if it's wrong who cares but only you and me...
don't stop saying i love you for love is something that you don't own...
love is something we cannot put in prison...
let the emotions drive you crazy...and when you are insane finally...
then love will be the one to heal you...
love itself will sing a song for you...
and you will start dancing for all you care cause you let love go...
and you let love comes back to you...

life

2008-03-23T07:53:00.000-07:00

when you want water in the middle of the desert...you feel thirst...
when you want food in the middle of the ocean... you feel hungry...
when you want love in the times you are alone... you feel empty...

for life is not a picture of beautiful places...

it's not the pages of romantic novels...
life is not where roses or lily's where placed...
life is not a choice that we have to make...
it is a journey that we have to travel where the ending is unknown...
it is a room that even we rearrange we will not be pleased...
for life is not only a mirror of ourselves...but the reflection of our souls...
where we stand is not where we should fall...
life is not standing still but continuously flowing to reach the final destiny...
hurdles may give us difficulties but will give us strength...
life is a fruit of what we give...either love or hate
if we can choose not to be thirsty...it is not life
if we can eat and never want to be hungry...we are in paradise
if emptiness never comes to our hearts...we are in heaven...
for life is to have pain to have wholeness...
life is to cry to feel joy...
life has to be something worthwhile to be worthy...
life is for living...and living is to have both pain and glory...

2008-03-21T20:01:00.000-07:00

have you ever wonder why we are here?...i always do...i always think why people have to be here...on earth...to live...work...live...work...until this very moment...i don't know why...is it to do good things to others and remembered by many when we die?or to fulfill something and be remembered by many when we die?...or to achieve the greatest and be remembered by many when we die?..i noticed one thing...it always ends up in dying....i am not a good christian..i don't read bible religiously...neither i go to mass every sunday or any day that is said to be holy...but i believe there is God...and i believe in one equation of life..though i am not even a mathematician...( actually math hates me! )..do good things to others...whether it return back to you or not...it should not matter...for me...life is a gift...we thought that we already opened that gift...but for me...i haven't opened mine...until my brother died...it is such a painful part of my life that though i've been through a lot before...his life is something that reflect mine...a smile without pretensions...a love that is real...the pain that he tried to overcome with but failed...until his last breathe..he was able to open his gift of life...though he did not surrender it back easily to the one who gave it...he was able to open it...i thought i had opened mine...i really thought...now only...and i saw that my life will also end up with dying...and i will not regret if no one will ever remember me as long as i never forget to share the little thought of my heart...the little piece of my bread...and the small cup of my water...i am not great person...maybe no one even remember my name or what have i done...but it should not matter...as long as i have learned that my life is a gift...not a routine...that after opening my eyes...i am opening a piece of that wrapper...that surprises me everyday...and when i am about to sleep...the gift i have is waiting for another day to reveal another part...isn't it exciting...dying makes one living learn that life is something we should not get tired of...and dying is not something we should be afraid of...though i still cry...and sometimes i do ask God why...i never heard Him answer...but i felt His Love to my brother...and that is enough...someday i hope to understand the other mstery of life...but for now...i hope to keep the faith that love and life belongs to each other...and death is the peak that is hard to embrace but the reality...

i love you

2008-03-21T08:31:00.000-07:00

sail along and fly with the wind..

smell the flowers and join the breeze...

don't get tired swaying along with the leaves...

i want to think that your spirit is free...and happy...

let the cold air be a part of you and bring to us who will stay loving you...

let you be with the water in every sea or river...

let me bath with your clean heart and pure soul...

i want to remember you in everything that i see...

i want to see your smiles in every happy child there be...

for all i want to remember..is you..

the very loving brother i have in you...

the sweetest brother i had in you....

love and hate...

2008-03-21T07:08:00.000-07:00

i walked a thousand miles away to survive

i closed my eyes and ears to avoid pain

i chose to dream of happiness that i don't have

and at the end of the day...

the thousand miles i travelled was just a step behind

the pain i want to run away from... is within my heart

and the dream has always scare me from waking up

i kept a love so deep for all my brothers

i kept a love so deep for my mother

i kept a love so pure to those who crossed my life

and yet love has never return to me...

do i have to weep for my pain?

do i need to embrace the longing?

do i need to search for those that never really gone?

do i have to whisper in the ears of heaven... where the heavens are?

like a bird who just fly without knowing where...

like a flower that blooms not knowing why...

like the river that flows not knowing how...

i want to be clothe cause i know i am cold

i want to be fed cause i know i am hunger

i want to cry cause i know i am in pain

though love can keep the world happy, why am i lonely?

it's not what the heart feels that can make life better...

it's not what the hands can do to make anyone feel warmth...

its not the words we say can save us from anger...

its not for us to do anything to change the wrong to right...

if i have known the answer..then there will be no more questions in my mind

all i know is that i have loved and i have hated

and until this time..there is no reason to believe that love and hate is different

love

2008-03-19T02:05:00.000-07:00

what makes u important to the one who loves you is not your face
it may not even be your scent nor your pearly white teeth
not even your straight dark hair nor your blue wide eyes

love springs form the heart that search for nothing but for the soul
and if love does really exist...it will not ask for reasons why...it will not even ask why...
and as much as how many times people fell in love
is not reason enough that we know what love is

cause love maybe sometimes depicts hate...it sometimes emitates envy...and even sometimes hides in the shadow of lies...i hope one day...we will no longer ask ourselves why we love someone nor we will measure the amount of love there is in our hearts...one can live and die for it...others can go insane holding on to it...while some can remain simply cold hoping love will not leave them behind...

it is ambitious for anyone to hope that love can remain forever..but being ambitious is just part of it...even the most beautiful creatures cried and died and go insane for such love...who knows when and whom will have it...hope that love will grow deep inside our hearts...and mind...and soul...and don't let it die inside you... let others have it...and let it die with them...

2008-03-14T12:38:00.000-07:00

i need to see a sun light in the middle of the dark
i lost phase where the real road leads
i want to grasp anything my hand can grip
yet anything i think about is just like dust that goes on in the wind

if your heart believes in something beautiful
so does my heart yet i can't see where the beauty lies
if your lips tend to smile on something wonderful
so does mine yet it's so hard to make it real

it is indeed a dream of a dreamer
once it's in your sight you will wake up hoping you never woke up
cause i do wished to see a sight that is full of green yet all i see are blues
though the water wants to flow to rivers i don't want my dream to flow away

i can only have my faith but it never really belongs to me
i only have my hopes in my soul yet the truth i have no control
if only i can be like others then it won't be me anymore
and always it will be like this a dreamer hoping not to dream anymore...

2008-03-14T12:23:00.000-07:00

i don't know what blogging means...is it about expressing oneself to no particular issues or is it to show the sensitive side of one person...i want to be myself for ones...i want to fulfill a dream...and that is to express what my heart wants...it took me 33 years to be able to talk freely...and whoever wants to read or talk back...it doesn't matter cause everyone is entitled to be who they are for real or just for a show...any way life has its two sides..one may be seen clearly the other will definitely hides away...