empty

in a place where things are bound by destiny
i couldn't find a way to walk the path for me
my mind is so confuse and so does my heart
its either i want to breath for life
or want to hold the air and die

weakened by my fears i just couldn't move on
and as i stare back from where i was before
its just an empty space that i left behind
yet i couldn't go back to change my sad past

though i promise to start my life a new
i struggle to hold on and still struggling not to feel alone
and as i sit in one corner and search for my lost soul
i am lost for words to describe the emptiness of my own world

as i dream to smile... all i do is weep
as i wish to be strong... all i can be is to be weak
as i hope for the rainbows... the sun couldn't even shine
as i close my eyes for peace... all i have in mind are battles
and as i try to listen to my faith... i fail to have courage and belief

my nephews

they are my cute little nephews...hope to see them tagging along with angelo in the near future...praying that they will find their way to success...love them so much...

they are such lovely young ladies of our clan...i just feel like rejuvenated after staring at those innocent faces...hope they grow up fast but enjoy their childhood as well...

my nieces...

it's good to be a baby ...

well...i never really had a good night sleep...actually...i don't sleep at night...hahaha..i am like a bat that usually sleeps in the morning...i woke up hearing the loud scream of my son....WHAT'S happening!!!! well, just hungry bunny..hehe..babies...they will just cry when they feel like... doesn't care whose taking a nap or having a deep sleep in the middle of the night...sometimes...i envy my baby...he will express himself in any way he can as long as he get attention from me...i hope i can do that...express my real feelings inside...not be afraid of the consequence...no rules to follow...no rules to break...what a nice life...they just have to have a good parents that should really support their tantrums...like i do...not so good mom but i do give in to his tantrums...once in a while i do get angry...shout at him also...tsk! tsk! very bad of me...but i will always end up saying "sorry" and " i love you baby"...i wonder when i will hear somebody tells me just same...

simple wants...

i woke up 6 am this morning...want to start a new day...and i saw my face for the first time...smiling...AGAIN...after not so long time ago... my baby make pupu...gosh...but it feels heaven whenever my baby embraces me...yeah..i have a two months old baby boy and i named him angelo....hopefully...follow the name as he grows up..."pushing my luck"...i am 34 years old...yap...very old......but inside i feel like i'm just 10...hehe...but of course i am matured enough about life...so this morning...to change the routine...i went to bath at 8 am get ready to attend the christening of my beautiful niece...cairine...really...while facing the mirror...i feel some one else is there looking back at me...face is so lightened up..cheeks are blushing...not minding the suture on my tummy...started wearing jeans...hahaha...trying to be cool once again...and my baby who is already asleep that time suddenly open his eyes while i was about to leave...maybe waiting for a goodbye kiss...my brother is waiting downstairs...and while riding the bus on our way...brother is telling me..."i didn't recognize you...if i saw you somewhere else...maybe it will took me sometime to tell you're my sistah"...wow..mesmerized...hehehe...and to cut it short...today is a good day to start my life a new...it doesn't have to be big bang..simple wants will do...simple smile..put on your old jeans...top it up with a borrowed shirt......and an old brown shoes...my life started a new today...and i did not cry for the first time after such a looooonnnnnggggg time...remember...it doesn't take big bang...just simple WANTS.....

lets start a new life...

I sprained my hand...whenever i move it or twist it...i just can't help but scream oooooouuuucccchhhh!!! That is how a real human being reacts to pain...physically and even more...emotionally...and i want to change myself...i want to learn the art of endurance...wow! Endure everything..specially pain caused by those i loved the most...and i think i am getting near the recovery room at this point...hehe...it took me a month to resist the change...and it took me a week to wake up and feel the real thing...after being loved and cuddled like a new born baby...now...i am treated like a real adult...that is how i was taught...that is how i am taking it...and now i want to start a new life...either alone or with some one else...it doesn't matter as long as i am ready to leap my feet on my first step and everything will follow...is it sure??? everything will follow?? well...they used to tell that everything starts with one small step to reach the summit...i hope i am having the right attitude...go girl!!!
so with this realization i want to start my diary...come lets start a new life with me...

today i am finding it difficult to buy a sleep...my Angelo is having fever since last night...the more he couldn't sleep at night...and it really breaks a mother's heart to see his having pain yet he cannot tell you what causing it...but in between his tears he also smiles...that makes me little bit ok...i used to cry over some pains i've been through my life but every time my little angel feel low or sick...it makes me feel like dying inside...i'm so helpless and all i can do is to hug him and kiss him and whisper in his ears that mommy loves him so much...and now i know...it is so great to be a mother...it hurts the more when your child is in pain...i always hope i could make him feel better with my hugs and my kisses...that's all the medicine i can give him without bad side effects...i love you son...

life is juat a matter of time

life is just a matter of time...it is not how long we stood still across the road...but how we crossed the road...and as we always tell others that life is a gift from heaven...and gift means happiness and joy...yet it's not always the situation...life is not always about laughing...or smiling...or giggling...it's also about tears...sadness...pains...life is like a water spilled in the ocean...you will never know when it will get dry...or when it will burs to fill even the land...some may grieve full of sadness...some may accept their lost...but in reality....life is a contradiction...of both you and me...as we close our eyes to sleep...our mind travel somewhere else where we can't reach...and as we open back to greet the early sunshine...we simply ignore the life beyond the life we had last night...it is just a matter of time...and a matter of faith...and the will to do something worthwhile...and as always...it is easy to say how to live a good life...and as for me...i wish i know how to smile without hurting inside...i always hope to laugh without the need to hide the tears in my heart...and i've always been praying...that as i felt happiness...i hope not to hurt others but they will still get hurt...for life is made not to walk a smooth path to heaven...but road of hurdles and pebbles...some may walk through the mountains..some may climb the hills...others may cross the rivers...while i may just be sitting here wondering how to solve the riddles...and as each comes everyday...as each mornings greet us with its breeze...and as we rest the night over...thinking how start this life and how it will end is just a matter of time...